WinInsider

To help start off this forum, I have gathered some jokes from IT web sites, particularly I think the UNIX one is great, if you are into programming.  You can share some of your witty jokes about Microsoft's struggling competitors, they never seem to get their software working better for customers then MS. Or you can express your frustration about troubles that MS is put thought by DOJ. Keep it funny, enjoy!

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

* Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

* The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, "You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!"

* When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, "I tawt I taw a Puddy... I did, I did see a Puddy... ACCESS IS DENIED!"

* The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, "Eh, what's up Doc?" he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

* Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.

* Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don't want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you're trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be... "You've been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated"... CLICK!

If AOL Were A City...

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in the following messages at a UNIX command prompt.

     % rm meese-ethics
     rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
     % ar m God
     ar: God does not exist
     % rm God
     rm: God nonexistent
     % ar r God
     ar: creating God
     % "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
     Unmatched ".
     % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
     Missing ].
     % ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
     Modifier failed.
     % If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
     Too many ('s.
     % make love
     Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
     % sleep with me
     bad character
     % got a light?
     No match.
     % man: why did you get a divorce?
     man:: Too many arguments.
     % ^What is saccharine?
     Bad substitute.
     % \(-
     (-: Command not found.
     $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
     no sense in pretending!
     $ drink matter
     matter: cannot create
     % man sex
     No manual entry for sex
     % cat "food in cans"
     cat: can't open food in cans
     % nice man woman
     No manual entry for woman.
     % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
     Unmatched ".
     % [Where is Elvis?
     Missing ].
     % If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
     Too many ('s.
     % make love
     Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
     % !:say, what is saccharine?
     Bad substitute.
     % rm meese-ethics
     rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
     % ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
     Modifier failed.

Hi Tech At It's Best

A Hi-Tech Guy A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says, "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."

1. Drink coaster
2. Door stopper (use multiple disks)
3. Ice scrapper
4. Shower tile
5. Place holder in a book
6. Mini frissbee
7. Air hockey puck
8. Dog chew toy
9. Fly swatter (tape it to a long stick)
10. Dart board
11. Boot Disk (Neon green disk only)
12. Joke disk (Pull out the actual magnetic disk and give it to a friend)
13. Pooper scooper
14. Grille scraper
15. Use them for Karate (save a tree)
16. Wrist Slicer -after receiving first AOL bill! (use metal door)
17. Saving news group articles (pictures & warez)
18. Wallpaper or wallpaper border
19. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
20. Toy for an 18 month old
21. Pin or other small object dispenser-toothpicks(using the sliding metal part)
22. Fat-free snack (not very satisfying though)
23. Destroy them -smash, burn, or run over (to relieve stress)
24. Prop up uneven table or chair legs (de-wobbling restaraunt tables -leave disk there after use-plenty to spare!)
25. Light switch cover (panel)
26. Disk house (like a card house)
27. Chinesse throwing stars (tape 2 together)
28. Clay pigeons (for target practice)
29. Greeting card (bind two together at one end)
30. Halloween Treat (give them away all night long)
31. Shoe horn
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in tripple thickness)
33. Firewood
34. Bird house
35. Paper weights
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top)
37. Post it-notes holder
38. Refigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back)
39. Money clip (pop off metal door-throw away rest)
40. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon -actually works!)
41. Eye patch (aye' maties!)
42. G-string (Bay Watch-watch out!)
43. Dental Dam (You know-the back of your throat! Ouch!!!)
44. Christmas Ornaments (the more the merrier!)
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your cars hood)
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list)
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
50. Glue 'em to the bottom of the Space Shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
52. Dentures (Melt & form them into new teeth for grandma.)
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Dominio's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Warm milk & aol disks for santa.
56. Brake shoes. (new brakes every week!)
57. House insulation.
58. The "toys for tots" program.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle. (cheap SOB)
60. Hockey Puck (rubber band a few together)

The top 10 Signs your Tech-Support Person has gone completely Nuts

10.  Asks every caller. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a
date?"
9.  Attempts a mind-meld with you Pentium chip
8.  Insist you stay on the phone until you've gone thought all five stages
of grief
7.  The answer to every question begins with the phrase. "Technology is like
a box of chocolates...."
6.  Tells you to perform an uninstaletion by waving a big magnet over you
hard disk
5.  Regardless of the question, says you "must find the magic emerald to
kill the ogre and get the next level"
4.  Antivirus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest
3.  In response to ever question, instructs you to "please disrobe prior to
the examinations"
2. Takes credit for the Millennium Bug

AND # ONE Signs your Tech-Support Person has gone completely Nuts

By following the laugher-stifled directions on installing RAM, you end up
doing a perfect Macarena.

Good Reasons why Virtual Reality is better Than Reality

• In VR no one can hear you snore at your desk
• Pale skin and the ability to count in Hexdemecimal are actually considered attractive
• Virtual bungee jumping doesn't make your spleen come out through your nostrils